Do You Take Things Personally?

Thanks to pasukaru76 for the image via FlickrI was doing Crossfit for maybe the third time in my life, seeing that my yoga practice wasn’t necessarily giving me enough strengthening or cardio. I've got a background as a yoga teacher, and I've taken some anatomy classes, so I felt these things would give me a leg up on understanding proper form for weight lifting.

I happened to be there with a friend of a friend, Jack, who's been doing Crossfit for quite a while. Over a year, at least.

Anyway, Jack was holding his breath while lifting a heavy weight, and seemed to be struggling. So, I told him that exhaling would give him more muscle support in his core. Though I know he heard me, he just silently looked ahead and continued on, holding his breath.

He seemed really uncomfortable and was clearly not following my suggestion. Then I became uncomfortable. I fixated on this peculiar interaction, wondering why he wouldn’t listen to me. After all, I have some background in fitness, and he doesn’t. Why does he think he knows better than I do? Why isn’t he respecting my thoughts?

It took me longer than I’d like to admit to notice that I was being really protective of my identity as a yoga teacher. My focus narrowed in on myself. Later, I found out that he had specifically been taught to hold his breath by the gym where he first learned lifting form, so this was what he knew to be correct. It didn’t occur to me that maybe he was drawing on some other information he had. I made an assumption that he was actively disagreeing with me, specifically, and I took things personally.

I think there are a lot of things I could pull out of this interaction – the self-focus spiral, the ruminating, the implications of respect. But, what stood out most to me after reflecting on it, was how much I clung to my ‘yoga teacher’ identity.

I’ve recently been attending Buddhist dharma talks at various places (and listening to them online; Here are a ton of free ones), and the concept of identity is covered in anatta or ‘not-self.’ The notion of not-self is not that you don’t have a self, but that no one thing is your self. It says that no one thing defines you, and you are always changing. For example, I’m not a yoga teacher, but someone who sometimes teaches yoga. I’m not a writer, but I sometimes write. 

What’s the benefit of thinking about it this way? It puts space between you and one particular identity. It helps in moments like the one with Jack, allowing me to step back and listen to him without any expectation one way or another. I don’t need to know everything about that subject, and I don’t need to see it as offensive if someone doesn’t take my suggestions. Instead, thinking of myself as “not that” gives me a freedom to be whatever I need to be in any situation. If I had been looking at the situation without clinging so much to this identity, I could have seen that Jack didn’t mean it personally – he just had his own technique. 

You can't flourish ALL the time

Everyday I pass a row of trees outside my building. These trees have been bare since I moved in. How do you tell a bare tree from a dead one? They kinda look the same. Recently I was looking up and noticed a leaf blowing in the wind. At first I thought it was a remnant - a lone and frail survivor. Then I looked closer and noticed it was green! It’s ALIVE it’s ALIVE!!! The tree was beginning to bloom. 

Isn’t so cool that something which seemed barren, dead, hopeless for so many months - meanwhile had all this magic brewing within? There’s no way you could see it from the outside. 

Our work, our relationships, our creativity, our lives - everything really, has its season, too. Sometimes you can’t tell but there’s a lot of work happening below the surface - beyond your awareness.

But unlike the weather, our ideas, our work, our relationships, our lives aren’t as predictable in their seasonality. So what do you do if you’re experiencing a hard winter:

1. Know that winter doesn’t last forever.
2. Remember that winter has a purpose - it’s a resting time preparing for blossoming.
3. Befriend your winter days - savor them while they last, find at least three things a day you can appreciate.

While we're all familiar with a metaphor of seasons, most recently science is also investigating the rythms of our lives in a emerging field called Chronobiology. "Chronobiology is the biology of time, or the study of internal biological clocks. Biological clocks are found at all levels in living organisms. They range from oscillations found in nerve cells on the millisecond scale to oscillations in minutes, hours, days, and years in a variety of organisms and tissues."   

Here’s to all of YOU - at ALL times. 

Much love, 

Stella

Listening to the body

Hi there. It's Stella here. Today I had a lot of ambition and a lot of surprises along the way. I was so determined this morning to get through a thicket of to-do's including choosing from a stack of incredible intern applications. I fueled up with a large Philz coffee (some of the best in SF) ready to turbo charge. But then my neck was hurting all day. By mid afternoon it kinda stopped turning. Thankfully I had an appointment for acupuncture. As if my pain wasn't enough already, on my way to the appointment I tripped on the curb while waiting for a green light. And that really hurt so I became even more inflexible (oh the metaphors). I looked up to the sky and said WTF?!? What is this about?!? I started to cry - feeling limited in my body and all sorts of sorry for myself. I came home knowing this wasn’t about my neck - that my body was speaking to me. But I wasn’t sure what it was saying. Well, I only reached about 4 interns. If you’re applying and reading this - I’m sorry - but I had to listen - even to a message I didn’t like. Now that I’ve had about three hours of rest (and some leisurely bubbly) I’m feeling the energy and flexibility come back. Maybe my body just wanted to chill. Sometimes we get all sorts of irrational-out-of-the-blue signals that go against our ambitions. Our body has its own intelligence - and it may speak in a language we don’t quite understand. The key is to at least ask questions and set the intention to listen.  

My optimism secret - tell the world to F itself!

This month’s love letter (not receiving my love letters?) is a story about how I went from pissed off to praise-the-lord using some skills I learned from positive psychology. Here goes...

It was very quickly turning into “one of those days.” 

First, an important breakfast cancelled. Next, a quick call to the bank turned into an hour long frustrating dilemma. 

I was running late, un-showered, and unprepared for my next meeting. Uggggh! Then my cabbie gives me major attitude. After hustling to physically show up at a local bank branch, the teller tells me that the only person who could help actually quit.

If I was a cartoon you’d see steam shooting out of my ears.  

With no i Scream Truck available, I used some optimism tricks to self talk my way out of a melt-down:

I silently declared to the invisible forces messing up my day: “Fuck you! I’m going to have an awesome day regardless of what goes down. Bring it.”  

The scientific translation:

My crude real-life-in-the-moment declaration above is actually a practice of Learned Optimism. It’s choosing to see events as:

1. Not personal - There’s nothing wrong with me (at least that’s causing this situation).
2. Not permanent - This is not my whole life, it’s one morning.
3. Not pervasive - Yes, this morning sucked but it doesn’t mean my whole day, career, or life sucks. 

Studies found that positivity helps you live longer (you're two times more likely to be alive than your negative counterparts after the age of 65) and perform better at work (you’re more likely to be promoted within a year, receive positive reviews, and make higher sales).

I think the stakes are pretty high...so read about the five quick steps you can take to untwist a nasty situation into a positive one...

As for my happy/positive ending:

By keeping my cool instead of attacking innocent bank clerks, I stayed open to speaking with the Assistant Manager, Jasmine.  That's us in the pic!

Jasmine was curious about WOOPAAH and pretty soon we found ourselves engaged in a meaningful conversation about happiness, struggle, and her experience of post partum. In about 20 minutes I not only resolved my issue, I met a new friend, potentially a new client, and experienced love 2.0 - a warm and authentic exchange that nurtured my being and brought me alive that day. 

If I was a cartoon - the clouds would part, the sun would shine, and hallelujah would sound. 

To read how to practice Learned Optimism without saying “fuck you” check out the scientific-five-step approach!

With much love,

Stella

Five Steps to Optimism: The A,B,C's to life

You're in bad a mood, someone rubs you the wrong, your boss is mean, your friend snaps, your morning sucks...life happens. Someone wise (who I'm forgetting now) said:

Life is like a movie and you are the director. You decide where to point the camera and what story to tell.

There are infinite ways to tell the same story...so you might as well choose a happy ending if it's your own. If you read my next blog post you'll see how I stumbled through these steps.

A) Identify the Activating event

 ex: My breakfast meeting cancels, I have problems with the bank, I'm running late, a cabbie give me attitude.

B) What was the resulting Belief or inner thought dialogue?

ex: I'm having bad luck. 

C) What were the emotional and behavioral Consequences?

ex: A downward spiral of self judgement, anger, and frustration. 

D) Dispute irrational thoughts or beliefs

ex: This is just one morning. I've had many successes that I'm proud of and have navigated worst days. In fact, many of my bad days often turn out to be awesome in the end. 

E) What are the Effects of interpreting the incident differently?

ex: I can have an awesome day regardleess of what happens! 

Want to read more. Albert Ellis' ABC Model Here

You can also find more in Martin Seligman's: Authentic Happiness.  

Our best,

Stella + Genna