The Hidden Dangers of Goal Setting + My Gift to You

Hello wonderful,

Whether or not you like New Year’s resolutions, there’s something to be said for a new year presenting us with an annual opportunity for reflection.

But I see way too many people making innocent mistakes when gearing up for New Year’s—probably because no one ever explained how to create goals (the everyday word for “resolutions”) that make us happy.

Answer these three questions:

1. Did you make a resolution because you want more of something? Like, is your goal to be more physically active, more connected to your family, making more money, etc.?

2. Do your resolutions sound reasonable to you, as in things you "should"be doing anyway?

3. Were any of your resolutions another version of ones you’ve made before (ahem)?

Careful how you answer. Because a YES to any of the above could be a slippery slope.

See, we often set goals from a mindset of inadequacy and/or fear. Which almost always sets us up for failure...and feeling like we're constantly chasing something.

So how do you set goals (make resolutions or whatever you want to call them) that will set you up to truly thrive?

First, you have to be able to HEAR yourself.

Not always easy. Do you sometimes feel like your inner voice speaks only in whispers? Or that it's hard to differentiate between the different voices in your head? You’re like, “Wait, is that my inner wisdom, my mom, my husband, society, my inner critic (aka, fear)…what????”

Sound familiar?

I’ve been where you are, and I can help you hear yourself so that you’re setting goals that will truly fulfill you.

I’ve devised a 5 part system, which will ensure that the goals you create are ALIGNED with what you really want so that you don’t end up disappointed or feeling like you’re not enough.

This is my gift to you: Let's talk. For a full HOUR. My treat.

Sign up for your free hour session now. Spots are limited!

I can help you learn to avoid making some huge mistakes with your year ahead.

I mean, if you're going to do some reflection and expend the energy thinking about goals (and most likely lots of time and money trying to achieve them), you might as well learn to do it right! Right?!

When I help you, I know it’s not just about you – but about the people you impact, that you work with, that you love. I know when we talk - you'll leave with clarity, a greater sense of confidence about what to do and how to do it, and your peacefulness will cascade beyond you to your universe...which means we're all doing something to help the world be a better place. Which is one of my top values.

If you've been with me for a while, you know I periodically offer complimentary 30-minute phone sessions throughout the year. But I've never offered a full hour focused on walking you through the steps to help set you up for success. And I won’t be offering it again.

This is your one shot! I will not be offering this session at ALL at any point later this year.

Sign up for your free one hour strategy session here.

Til next time, here’s wishing you a beautiful New Year, one in which you're shining your brightest!

Love,

Stella

My New Year's Ritual - 5 questions to ask yourself and those you love

Hi there,

Looking for an honorable way to say goodbye to 2015 and hello, 2016? Try this - it's simple and a nice way to connect deeply with others.

Ask yourself and/or those you love:

1. What am I most proud of in 2015?
2. What did I learn about myself in 2015?
3. What do I want to release as I enter 2016?
4. If I play at a level 10 (out of 10) - how would I BE different in 2016?
5. What do I want to create in 2016?


These questions were inspired by my good friend and fellow coach, Lisa Zigarmi. Now it's a ritual we practice annually. Let me know if you try it and what you notice about the experience.

Wishing you a bright and beautiful year ahead - where you get to stay true to you - and BE how you consciously choose to be.

Warmly,
Stella

What To Tell Your Inner Critic

Hey All,

It's been awhile since I've written. I apologize that I've been off my rhythm of bi-monthly posts. 

This Fall has been intense with a lot of firsts:

*First time speaking to 1,400 people (at Google)

*First time leading The Work Happiness Method—my 8-week virtual program for having a more satisfying work life

*First time planning a 1st birthday party for my first daughter!

 

I find that doing something new is often fertile ground for my inner critic to go crazy. Sound familiar?!

While I was experiencing a mild bout of anxiety with each of these, the straw that broke the camel's back and unleashed my latest inner-critic drama was planning my daughter's first birthday.

As I was going through Linor’s closet the day before her party, I realized that I didn't have a birthday outfit ready for her. I could have gotten her something cute and special in advance... but I didn't. Suddenly, that small momentary realization began to snowball into a crying fest on top of a mound of perfectly adorable onesies: Clearly, I was a terrible mom! Who doesn’t buy their daughter a fabulous new outfit for her first birthday party?!

In retrospect, I know I was being totally irrational. But rationality isn’t exactly something our inner critic is known for. 

Once I was able to start thinking clearly again, I remembered Martin Seligman's Learned Optimism model—and I thought this was the perfect thing to share with you guys.

Here's how to climb your way out of the downward spiral of beating yourself up.

Recognizing the 3 P's of Pessimism: Personalization, Permanence, and Pervasiveness

1. This isn't PERSONAL 

• Inner critic: You suck as a mom.

• What to say back: Oops! Inadvertent oversight but nothing that defines me as a mother. I adore my daughter with every ounce of my being. New outfit or not, Linor is going to have a wonderful birthday, filled with love and joy and laughter—and she will look adorable and precious in whatever she wears. Because that’s just who she is.

2. This isn't PERMANENT 

• Inner critic: OMG, this is so your M.O. You are always doing stuff like this! You will never really be a good mom.

• What to say back: First of all, “always” and “never” are not true! That’s just my negative knee-jerk reaction talking. Second of all, nothing about this will alter the state of my daughter’s life. I had a crazy time-crunched month, but that doesn’t mean this is how things are always going to be. If I am guilty of anything, it’s of not seeking more help with the party planning and of realizing in advance that I am easily overwhelmed when dealing with new things all at the same time.

3. This isn't PERVASIVE

• Inner critic: This will now affect every aspect of the entire party! Nice going, you loser-of-a-mom!

• What to say back: No, this is just one isolated thing. Besides, just because everything isn't new and totally perfect about the party doesn't mean the whole thing is doomed! There is nothing infectious about one little oversight. Only if I want to punish myself can this have an effect on anything else at her birthday party. 

Bottom line: Stop being so hard on yourself!

We all make mistakes, but very, very few can do serious damage... unless we allow them to. 

I know it's hard to change your inner script— trust me, I know!—especially in those moments when our emotion joins forces with our self-doubt. So even if you can't silence your inner critic in that moment, take a breath as soon as you can and start looking for the bright side(s). 

Anyone care to share experiences with your inner critic—and the strategies that helped you shut it off? 

Til then, practice being kind to yourself. It’s the best antidote to inner criticism and negativity in general.

Love,

Stella

Need help relaxing? Try this 3 minute meditation

Hi there,

 

Phewee! It's been a busy month (or two, or three). A more proper update will be coming soon. 

  

In the meanwhile, I wanted to share a favorite tool of mine that I use to relax and get centered, especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed. 

 

It only takes three minutes and it's free!  

 

Enjoy this guided meditation  by The UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center. 

 

My best,

Stella

How to Love Yourself—and WHY

There was a time in my life when things went pretty dark. I had lost all my savings in the stock market during the crash. My business was struggling. And, cherry on top, I was about to get married to the wrong man. Fortunately, I came to (sort of) my senses and cancelled the wedding 30 days before. But the dress was bought, invitations sent and lots of guests had booked their flights.  How the HELL did I land here? Shouldn’t I have known better?!? After all, I had two Ivy League degrees, I was an advocate for women's business independence and creating the life of their dreams…yet, here I was, moving in with my parents. And feeling beyond sorry for myself. After a little distance, that year I decided to figure out what had happened. How did I almost go so wildly off the rails? What wasn't I seeing or hearing? Turns out, it’s what I wasn’t doing: not loving myself enough. I realized I was depending on others to make me happy and feel worthy of love.  Here's the thing. If your foundation is based on external forces (like the convictions and decisions of others, as mine was), then you're nothing more than a marionette…responding to tugs and pulls outside yourself, instead of leading from within. So I wondered, how can I change that... how can I start to love myself? What does that even mean? Something told me it was more than just being nicer to myself and going for more mani/pedis.  It was quite a year of discovery. Fast forward to today. I'm so grateful to Lodro Rinzler and Meggan Watterson for writing the book, How To Love Yourself (and Sometimes Other People): Spiritual Advice for Modern Relationships (Hay House, 2015). I only wish I'd had it years ago! Meggan, who also wrote Reveal: A Sacred Manual for Getting Spiritually Naked, has her Masters of Theological Studies from Harvard Divinity School and a Masters of Divinity from Columbia University. Her work has been featured in The New York Times, Women’s Radio, Feminist.com, Feministing.com, and StyleSubstanceSoul.com.  Lodro is a teacher in the Shambhala Buddhist lineage, founder of the Institute for Compassionate Leadership and the author of five books on meditation, including the best-selling The Buddha Walks into a Bar. Lodro's columns appear regularly in the Huffington Post, Marie Claire, and elephant journal. He has also been featured on WNYC, WBUR, FOX and the CBC. Enjoy this quick video in which Meggan and Lodro share their wisdom about: What love is What it means to love yourself Why loving yourself is, first and foremost, essential to personal happiness AND how you actually do it Would love to hear your thoughts on the topic—and your own personal love stories.   Love (that’s to all of us!), Stella